February 12th 2010

In a pink room, filled with family pictures, and tacky decorations I lye. The air outside is a wet cold, and does not smell like winter. The snow is uninviting, unlike Canada, and lacks to set a warm winter scene.

Here I lye with coffee breath, and open ears waiting to hear the front door open. I have become consumed with status's, pictures, messages, and gossip. What I need are books, good books. Hot weather, and new music.

I am free from this room in two days, although that seems like a long time from now. My body sleeps throughout the night, although everyday I feel tired. I blame it on malnutrition but I know the truth. My emotions run wild here.

Oh how sick I am of public transportation! Dirty metros, dirty people, and dirty minds. I would rather stay in this pink tacky room under my pink tacky stripped blanket all day, and never feel violated, cold, or tired. The problem with this is there is an owl upstairs who does not approve. This is her nest, and I do not own this pink room.

So. I will face the cold, dirty air. With dirty people and their dirty minds. I will walk down the hill, and back up in my swade grey boots and heavy bag, with the same old songs in my head, and think the same old thoughts from my heart.

I did not come from this. And as much as I convince myself I do, I continue to show myself that I belong back home in the long run. Where the air is clean, and people smile.

But don't confuse this with home-sickness or hate. I embrace this room, these people, and this tacky blanket. This is where I should be. I live in the present.

I have grown into a butterfly as opposed to a moth.

So bring on spring, where new beginnings take place and dreams are born. Another candle is added onto my cake, and hope winks. She shows her face through mother nature. This is my life, and I will take what I will from this old man we call Winter.

time is an illusion which makes us pant.

I have never experienced time like this before. It is so slow, and so fast. It does not make sence. I feel as though each day ticks by to a slow drum and yet the weeks go by as if they did not exist. Soon, it is my five month anniversary of living in France. I feel like I left Canada so long ago, and have lived here forever. Although I know it will feel as though I never left when I arrive home.

"Time is an illusion which makes us pant"

-yann martel

Lately I feel like my life is shifting here. I am somehow...changing. Something is different. I went through a long period of feeling uncomfortable, and bored almost...like things were going to stay the same. I was going to feel the same feelings. But now things are shifting- for the better I can feel it. I am starting to make changes in my new life. I have been meeting such amazing new people since Christmas. People I click with immediately- and feel as though they were put in my life for a reason. It makes me so excited! Everyone is so unique, genuine, and down to earth. Searching for something....like most of us who end up in Paris.

My mornings consist of 7am wake up calls to hot showers and quiet breakfasts. Starbucks and Francais. Cold. Metros. Music never leaves me. The smell of bakerys, and daydreaming. Myself and my kids are best friends. I love them so much. Eva, my little 1 year old girl has become my love here in Paris! We spend most of our afternoons together talking about snakes and singing. I cant even imagine leaving these kids- I have become so attached to them. They really are amazing kids. So I try and not think about it (even though it comes up in my heart almost everyday). Weekends are beautiful. Slow mornings, Hillsong Sundays. Long Walks. Friends. Getting lost and not caring. Wine. Wine. Wine. More Daydreaming.

French rules over me. I think about it constantly, and study constantly. I get so discouraged but no longer pout about it because I know I am trying my best. I can speak french- although most is improper or pronounced incorrectly, but I know that will take time. The french speak to quickly...et moi famille est ne bien pas avec moi! oh, oh lala. I dropped the rest of my term at my french school for many reasons, and am hoping to pick it back up in April. It saves me 200 dollars however, and I am indeed running out of money. I have decided not to re-load my navigo card due to the fact I am only in Paris for two weeks this month. So...you can catch me hoping fences, and sneaking through gates with other parisians this month to get somewhere. Oh what a life I lead! So far- so good. Call me a rebel.

My diet is wearing me away to nothing- from the inside. Bread. Fruit. Vegetables. More Bread. pasta. more bread. eggs....bread. vegetarians....who needs them. I catch myself staring at the golden arches here in Paris, longing for a burger. Poor Body, I am truly sorry.

Ireland and Barcelona are staring me in the face- along with an amazing week alone in Paris. Watch out City, I have many plans for you! I long for spring however,....dresses. Sandals. Canal afternoons and picnics in the park. I could not be more happy that I am staying longer than expected. To much to do and see...to find out. Never will I feel satisfied- I long to stay over the summer...perhaps next year. But thats a secret- and tomorrow is never clear. I could be sobbing on the street wishing for Canada. Days change emotions, -hours, minutes. seconds.

I have to much to say -but not the time nor words to express my present self. I try and keep you updated but catch myself writing about what im thinking- or daydreaming about. I have so much to tell you! More than this little post...so much more. Everyday is such an adventure with another story to tell, and I take that all for granted.

Life is so short. Dont get stuck in a pattern or routine. Step out of your comfort zone and find life, live it to its full potential! Oh, no regrets either.

For it's written.

Laura Langen