February 12th 2010

In a pink room, filled with family pictures, and tacky decorations I lye. The air outside is a wet cold, and does not smell like winter. The snow is uninviting, unlike Canada, and lacks to set a warm winter scene.

Here I lye with coffee breath, and open ears waiting to hear the front door open. I have become consumed with status's, pictures, messages, and gossip. What I need are books, good books. Hot weather, and new music.

I am free from this room in two days, although that seems like a long time from now. My body sleeps throughout the night, although everyday I feel tired. I blame it on malnutrition but I know the truth. My emotions run wild here.

Oh how sick I am of public transportation! Dirty metros, dirty people, and dirty minds. I would rather stay in this pink tacky room under my pink tacky stripped blanket all day, and never feel violated, cold, or tired. The problem with this is there is an owl upstairs who does not approve. This is her nest, and I do not own this pink room.

So. I will face the cold, dirty air. With dirty people and their dirty minds. I will walk down the hill, and back up in my swade grey boots and heavy bag, with the same old songs in my head, and think the same old thoughts from my heart.

I did not come from this. And as much as I convince myself I do, I continue to show myself that I belong back home in the long run. Where the air is clean, and people smile.

But don't confuse this with home-sickness or hate. I embrace this room, these people, and this tacky blanket. This is where I should be. I live in the present.

I have grown into a butterfly as opposed to a moth.

So bring on spring, where new beginnings take place and dreams are born. Another candle is added onto my cake, and hope winks. She shows her face through mother nature. This is my life, and I will take what I will from this old man we call Winter.

time is an illusion which makes us pant.

I have never experienced time like this before. It is so slow, and so fast. It does not make sence. I feel as though each day ticks by to a slow drum and yet the weeks go by as if they did not exist. Soon, it is my five month anniversary of living in France. I feel like I left Canada so long ago, and have lived here forever. Although I know it will feel as though I never left when I arrive home.

"Time is an illusion which makes us pant"

-yann martel

Lately I feel like my life is shifting here. I am somehow...changing. Something is different. I went through a long period of feeling uncomfortable, and bored almost...like things were going to stay the same. I was going to feel the same feelings. But now things are shifting- for the better I can feel it. I am starting to make changes in my new life. I have been meeting such amazing new people since Christmas. People I click with immediately- and feel as though they were put in my life for a reason. It makes me so excited! Everyone is so unique, genuine, and down to earth. Searching for something....like most of us who end up in Paris.

My mornings consist of 7am wake up calls to hot showers and quiet breakfasts. Starbucks and Francais. Cold. Metros. Music never leaves me. The smell of bakerys, and daydreaming. Myself and my kids are best friends. I love them so much. Eva, my little 1 year old girl has become my love here in Paris! We spend most of our afternoons together talking about snakes and singing. I cant even imagine leaving these kids- I have become so attached to them. They really are amazing kids. So I try and not think about it (even though it comes up in my heart almost everyday). Weekends are beautiful. Slow mornings, Hillsong Sundays. Long Walks. Friends. Getting lost and not caring. Wine. Wine. Wine. More Daydreaming.

French rules over me. I think about it constantly, and study constantly. I get so discouraged but no longer pout about it because I know I am trying my best. I can speak french- although most is improper or pronounced incorrectly, but I know that will take time. The french speak to quickly...et moi famille est ne bien pas avec moi! oh, oh lala. I dropped the rest of my term at my french school for many reasons, and am hoping to pick it back up in April. It saves me 200 dollars however, and I am indeed running out of money. I have decided not to re-load my navigo card due to the fact I am only in Paris for two weeks this month. So...you can catch me hoping fences, and sneaking through gates with other parisians this month to get somewhere. Oh what a life I lead! So far- so good. Call me a rebel.

My diet is wearing me away to nothing- from the inside. Bread. Fruit. Vegetables. More Bread. pasta. more bread. eggs....bread. vegetarians....who needs them. I catch myself staring at the golden arches here in Paris, longing for a burger. Poor Body, I am truly sorry.

Ireland and Barcelona are staring me in the face- along with an amazing week alone in Paris. Watch out City, I have many plans for you! I long for spring however,....dresses. Sandals. Canal afternoons and picnics in the park. I could not be more happy that I am staying longer than expected. To much to do and see...to find out. Never will I feel satisfied- I long to stay over the summer...perhaps next year. But thats a secret- and tomorrow is never clear. I could be sobbing on the street wishing for Canada. Days change emotions, -hours, minutes. seconds.

I have to much to say -but not the time nor words to express my present self. I try and keep you updated but catch myself writing about what im thinking- or daydreaming about. I have so much to tell you! More than this little post...so much more. Everyday is such an adventure with another story to tell, and I take that all for granted.

Life is so short. Dont get stuck in a pattern or routine. Step out of your comfort zone and find life, live it to its full potential! Oh, no regrets either.

For it's written.

Laura Langen

you know those days...

you know those days...

ya you know them.

when everything goes wrong? when you feel like an idiot? like the "world" is out to get you? Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong?

well,

today is not one of those days.

(yesterday was)

Today. Things are swell. I suspected (which is never healthy) that today would be "one of those days..."

I love Paris today. Our love/hate relationship is leaning to the left. Nothing is better than starting your day off walking down grande boulevards with a coffee in hand, french books over shoulder, with a perfect pink sunrise behind you.

"Canadian" park-walks with a great friend, a stop at st michel for an afternoon espresso overlooking the seine...a kiss on both cheeks from my two year old when i came through the door.

Who said breaking mirrors is bad luck? I broke mine yesterday, and convinced myself I was done with.

Tomorrow is written, although I am not the author. It could bring me more tears, but for now I will embrace today.

I now end the day with vanilla candles, and a cup of vanilla tea.

I re kindled my love with E.E Cummings lastnight. I leave you with my favorite poem of his.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear, and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

No world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; Which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

It Is You.

I came to hear you, and what you have to say.

and i continue to shut my ears.

continue to substitute the world.

that you carry.

This world has control on most

I ran away to find your control.

and yet my path sits on earth.

your shoulders.

There is a fine line between what is you

what is theirs.

who-I-am, and what I belong to.

I could run forever here-

and although I become tired and weary,

It is you who continues to carry me.

A Fresh Start.

I never thought it was possible to experience so much in under four months...

The UK was a whirlwind, to say the least. Someone on this universe did not want me going. A ticket change, a major breakdown, 300 dollars, an unexistant wake up call from my alarm clock...racing down the cold street at 530AM on Christmas Eve.

You could spot me in a panic running down the street. Cursing Santa Claus. Barefoot. (Wrong Shoes).

I made it to charles de gaulle for the second time, barely.

My flight was delayed and a lonely boy found me and decided I was his new best friend.

Politics was his subject of choice...

screaming at me "are you proud of your country?" infront of the entire airplane...

analyzing his poetry that he suddenly brought to my attention which consisted of poems about black cats, boots, and what do you know...politics.

I ran away from him at Luton to the tune of "have yourself a merry christmas."

The english countryside is like a fairytale. My Christmas was a fairytale after the nightmare before christmas...no joke intended.

Who knew I would be spending it in a beautiful white home in the middle of a beautiful festive town with some of my best friends in Europe?

The holiday consisted of constant laughter due to the lovely grand parents who stayed along with us. I will quote them until I die!

London was beautiful, and rushed.

I barely had time to breathe and take in what it had to offer. I guess that is an excuse to go back...

I have had the house to myself in Paris since I came home. This is the first time in my entire life...that I have been alone for so long. I know what you are thinking...

It has been a cool experience living alone. Cooking for only yourself...going to sleep in a big empty house.

New Years was another story.

Champs was beautiful and a once in a lifetime experience (filled with creeps)....

Dancing to "show me your love" at a house party on a big red carpet with parisiens was the most fun I have had in awhile...it turned out to be a great way to ring in 2010.

Tomorrow the family comes home. I wake up to them most likely...and reality sets back in. (Sort Of)....I feel like I am never in reality here. More like a constant dream.

I feel like I feel my old self slipping away more these days- something in me is changing but I cant figure out what.

Coming back to Canada scares the hell out of me sometimes. I am scared people wont recognize me or something. I feel like I wont know myself.

I ache for the prairies sometimes however...for that peace.

Resolutions start on Monday and I tend to keep them this year.

I can now look forward to February when I run off to Amsterdam and Ireland...

Until then, stay warm.

Drink massive amounts of tea.

Day Dream- make those dreams reality...

and keep the peace!

Forever,

A hippy at heart.

christmas

So I guess if you are reading this you are curious as to what I have been up to...
It has been quite a while since I published anything.

I can say so much it is so hard as to where to begin. Things happen everyday that I could easily write a small novel about. This nutshell I am trying to provide, at times, is hard to shrink.

I met my mom and dad in Germany a little over two weeks ago. I barely made it there which is another story. To shrink it...it consisted of me literally running through the metros...jumping onto the RER as the doors slammed shut...not knowing which charles de gaulle stop to get off on...sneaking through the metro doors without paying for my ticket....and finally- making it with ten minutes to spare. Beautiful.
I received a lovely gift of food poisoning a week before my flight which is an entirely different story...but once I was on the plane I began to feel that poison sneaking in my stomach. The flight was a nightmare of pain and it did not help that I was sitting beside a 500 pound man who took up half of my seat.
Once I arrived in Munich I had to find my way into the city somehow. I miraculously was saved by a cute german couple who had just come home from hiking in the islands...they purchased the correct ticket and I followed them to the correct shuttle.
I found my dad at this beautiful rink lit up with christmas lights. It was so special to see my mom and dad.
In Germany- we did a massive walking tour of munich with this amazing tour guide who was one of the funniest people I have met in Europe. It was over three hours of walking but it felt like one. There was so much amazing information it was hard to not be overwhelmed. Germany has SUCH amazing history- and they carry it so well.
The following day we took a train to the "sleeping beauty" castle (neuschwanstein castle). The german countryside is breathtaking and the mountains are excuisite!
Thats one thing..I love travelling by train. Something about it....so,..special. Romantic and peaceful...
We took a horse carriage up the mountain to the castle. It was a fairytale except for the fact that horses are a fear of mine.
We ate bratwurst on the cliff.
We toured the castle with a very strict tour guide who allowed no pictures. We toured with the most typical american man who in quote stated
"i need a red bull..there has got to be a 7/11 around here somewhere..." over and over.

My favorite part about Germany was the feel of it. The personality I guess...Paris has such a dreary and posh persona about it at times. Germany was happy, welcoming you with open arms even if you did not speak the language.
I drank beer in the sun.
I ate the best breakfasts.
I walked up and down marian platz street over and over...feeling as though I was in a dream with all of the amazing christmas lights, people, and history around me.
(I ate a liver ball)

I laughed with my mom and dad about everything.
I could be myself.

Last friday we returned to Paris and I spent four days with them here and became a tour guide.
I don't think I have ever felt so lost in my life the day they left. I was so overwhelmed with emotion and I did not know where to go, do, who I was. Who I am becoming...since I arrived in Paris I have never been to homesick...I think it just all hit me at once when people from my old life suddenly came into my new life.

Everything is back to normal now. It has been a week now since the worst day of my life...and it was a good week.
Christmas is here. It is everywhere. Paris is amazing at christmas. You have to see it to beleive it.
London calling in 18 days.
I wish for snow now.
No more rain.

I am going to go and search the biggest flea market in europe now...beautiful.
I miss you all.....so much. And if I do not write again before Christmas- MERRY CHRISTMAS! and a happy new year.
I'll see you in 2010.
Kiss on both cheeks.

Canadian Girl In Paris.

ROME

If I had to choose just one word for my time in Rome I would choose -adventure-

Rome is a city of layers, an onion. It is beautiful, dirty, and full of graffiti. Rome is full of storys.
Rome is a pop-out book of the past.

The trip started out with me- being typical Laura...loosing it on the plane. The flight attendant was so into the little speach in the beginning about safety on the plane he looked as though he was doing some sort of dance. I of course was the only one laughing on the plane.
He did not look at me after that. Did not offer me anything. All in All...
He hated me.
The first thing I said to someone in Rome was "parlez vous anglais?"

Perfect...i asked someone in french...if they spoke english......in an italian city.

Myself and Casey decided we were hungry once we arrived (for pizza of course...very hard to find in rome...........)
We received a coupon for a discount at this place called "Alfredos." We thought it sounded good, and walked a couple of streets until we saw a sign "Alfredos." We thought it was farther down so we decided this probably was not THE Alfredos...so we continued walking farther down the street.
We approached another restaurant and the waiter tried to make small talk with us to come into the restaurant. We decided to ask him where "Alfredos" was instead.
"Excuse me, can you please tell us where Alfredo's is?"

"Yes," says the very italian man...
"I GO GET HIM..."

and then he leaves into the restaurant....

me and casey stare at eachother and casey immediately chases after him trying to tell him Alfredo's is a place....and not a person.
But it was to late.

He comes out in less than a minute with this crazy italian man in all white...

"THIS..........." he repeats...

"IS ALFREDO!."

it turns out...his boss was named Alfredo.
Perfect.

We continue to tell the two italian man that we are sorry for the confusion but we were looking for a restaurant and not "mr alfredo." Mr. Alfredo looks disgusted and points us in the correct direction....
to make a long story short we ended up eating at mr alfredo's anyway!

The weather was great in Rome. Wore summer dresses and sunglasses the entire time. We bargained everything- and i made a man very happy by offering him my canadian penny i had in my wallet.
Halloween ended up turning into me and a bunch of people we met along the way- dancing to michael jackson the entire night. I did an epic version of bohemian rhapsody for everyone as well.
Vadican city is amazing. The pope was sadly no where to be found however.
The bus system is brutal in Rome. The streets feel as though you are riding an amusement ride they are so bumpy. The bus is over crowded with one-to-many italian men wanting to assist you, meanwhile you are getting shoved into the door.
We got lost on our way to the Trevi fountain at night...ending up off the map of Rome.
The beggers are much scarier.
Paris is a newborn baby compared to the ancient streets of Rome.
Gelato and Pizza fill the streets.
The colessium stands it's ground to be considered the heart.

I love Rome. My coin promised me at the trevi fountain that I would return some day!
I fly to Germany in two weeks to see my mom and dad.
I love Europe.

Paris is wet this days. Damp and dark. November has a much different feel than September and October. I bought the biggest most warm winter jacket today- its funny how I live in Canada and I never once bought a jacket so warm as this one. Complete with fur and everything.
Anyway-
Thats me.
Vous?

bonne journée mon petit amis!
(i think thats right...)

love,
Laura.