Electronic Musique

Music.


I know I could not live without it.

Yes, cliche isn't it?

I know so many of us say this quote, and I personally get annoyed because I tend to hear to many repeating it. But...since being back (especially these last couple of months) where I have been struggling alot, it occured to me. Music,.. is the only thing that really makes me FEEL something when i seem to feel nothing at all. Music is more to me than wanting to dance or relate to the songs. Its more than a past time while sitting on the bus or driving in the car. Music lets me experience emotion; and let me remember who I really am and what I am searching for.
Its funny...while most people 'mellow' out by listening to easy listening music. You know- acoustic guitars, mushy or rather heartfelt lyrical balads, soothing whispering voice belting out his or her heart? Not me. Of course, I do love my Tom Pettys and Blind Pilots....but its electronic music that gets me.
I have loved electronic since i was little. When I was in diapers my mom would put me infront of the tv as 'ice ice baby' was playing and I would rock back and forth like no one has ever seen. At the age of five Madonna was my favorite artist.

Sure, you are thinking to yourself vanilla ice and madonna may not be 'electronic.' But I mean really...while most kids were listening to silly kids songs about fruits and vegetables i was in love with the electronic guitar and careful crafted beats of the 80's!
Throughout elementary school my family would find me listening to nothing but "DANCE MIX 95" which I still cant get enough of. This was when electronic music was becoming popular, and remixes were hitting the scene of muchmusic.
As I ventured throughout highschool I came to find some of my favorite electronic artists such as ratatat and crystal castles. Benny Benassi and Daft Punk were the 'popular' electronic artists which I fell right into like other electronic followers.
Living in Paris- I discovered a whole new genre and outlook on the ART of music. In Europe, the 'eurobeats' are everywhere. I discovered TRANCE and PROGRESSION music. European artists that no one had ever heard of back in Canada. I went to clubs and danced all night to nothing but a heavy bass and piano.
I see the art of creating an electronic song. How it can incorporate so many sounds at just the right timing. I can see progression, and attention. I can feel more emotion in a song without lyrics. I feel the emotion through the SOUNDS and how they play off of eachother. I create my own lyrics, like the song knows exactly what I am thinking or going through; and it becomes mine.

I search for hours on the internet looking for new artists and tunes that I had never heard before. It has become a past time of mine. If you have never given electronic music the time of day....try it out. You may experience something that other types of music can not provide. One thing I ask is to not think of this as 'techo' music. I think 'techno' has been given a bad vibe....yes we have all heard of 'sandstorm'.....brings me back to grade 8 dances where everyone has the chance to go crazy on the dance floor! But you know something....if 'sandstorm' can get a bunch of kids up and dancing and not caring about what other people think....that says something.

negative emotion

Coffee dates, loved ones, and the stress of university, do not cover this, although i pretend it does.

yes i am fague, because why expose everything when i can instead leave it up to your imagination.

i enjoy writing, personally or for the public. I have always loved writing since I was little. I used to make up stories before I knew how to write, and instead of using words I used pictures. People ask me why I blog and the reason is, maybe people can see a part of me they do not see when i am sitting smiling or laughing. You know, the outwards shell really says little. A person can be smiling and laughing all day long and feeling nothing but pain inside...

I miss Paris more than you all know. It is one of those things that is so deep- you almost feel no emotion at all. I think the thing I miss the most when i refer to 'Paris' is who I was in Paris...

I was full of life, happy, hopeful,..had faith. I saw the world through different eyes, as I do now (but my eyes have changed). I would describe myself presently, as the girl you see in the old films staring out a foggy train window as she is leaving her loved one. You know that image. She sees the hills rolling by but really only sees loss.

I attempted to write this blog entry on a happier note- but these are the words that are spilling out so I apologize on being full of negative emotion. Blogs are meant to be 'real' although i see so many people saying one thing..almost preaching...and then going out and doing the exact opposite the next day. You know, atleast im honest.

Apres

Here I am. It happened.

I am here, in Canada. Wrapped up in my blankets lying in my bed with the sound of summer rain outside my window. I have been on this soil for a little over three weeks now and everything is starting to hit me.

The first week apres I arrived home- I had little emotion and wanted to see no one but my family. I talked about the weather- and avoided the conversation of my past year as much as possible. Little things such as taking my dog for a walk again interested me and I felt like I was being re-introduced into my old life.

The second week I started opening up. Phoning back my long lost friends and going on dates around the city while catching up with my favorite people in Saskatoon. I realized how much I had missed my friends here, and family. I explored the city once again, and found little. Yet I was content and feeling like my old self again.

This past week and a half as started to bring up the hard things. I feel confused as to how I should be around people. I can not say what I want to say when I want to say it. I miss my little ones. I can not stop thinking about Paris before falling asleep. I miss my friends there. I have panic attacks over silly things and can not shape my two worlds together. I was different over there- and the old Laura continues to try and slip back again and again. I see myself slowly making schedule after schedule to try and make me forget what is happening- to make myself busy and not have time to think.

Was it all a dream?

I feel like that. I feel nothing, and yet I feel everything. I feel like I do not belong anywhere anymore. I avoid deep conversations because I can not explain myself correctly.

Paris is a day away and yet it feels like I will never get it back. I can not be myself because I do not know who 'myself' is anymore.

One Week...(and a half)...left.

On one hand- I am rejoicing of the thought I am almost free from being an au pair. No longer will I have to clean up everyday after six people, change dirty diapers, and occasionally become emotionally abused by the french. No longer will I have to travel in and out of this suburb. No longer will I constantly be on a time schedule. I can even eat meat again!

On the other hand- the final goodbye to three kids I love more than anything is coming now. I have been an emotional reck since October at the thought, and now it is here and I am not sure what will be the outcome.

In one week...(and a half)...I will be on a train to Amsterdam to spend four days in the magical city I hear so much about. I am travelling alone the entire trip which I have never done before, and have mixed feelings about doing so. Then again- I came to Paris alone and that turned out quite well I suppose....

From Amsterdam I am flying to Athens, GREECE. My number one destination I have wanted to visit since coming to Eurpope is finally coming true! From Athens I take a ferry to Ios where I am meeting a friend from Barcelona. From Ios I am travelling to Santorini to spend another few days. Finally I will take a ferry back to Athens and fly back to Paris to say my final farewell.

Europe has taught me so much about life. About myself, about other people. A new perspective on life. Paris is my home to me now. Paris is where I was meant to come to, Paris has always been there waiting for me. I can't explain how much I love this city. I honestly feel like when you come to Paris as a tourist- sure you experience all of the touristy places....eiffel tower, notre dame, louvre etc. But that is not what Paris is about really...

Paris is about getting lost.

Getting lost- and not letting a guide show you where something is or tell you why it is there. Getting lost in your thoughts, and mixing up your emotions. Walking down side streets and hearing the french language all around you. Paris is about the people, the little lady who I have come to know selling roses down the street. The violin player on my train. The man with the cat on boulevard haussman who never fails to wink. This is Paris to me. The memories, the experiences, the emotions, and the people.

You Leave Me With A Twirl In My Step

You leave me with a twirl in my step

Paris, Oh Paris

How can I ever forget you?

With your black and greys

Reds and blues

question marks

and your love for life

To me

You are just what I was looking for

And I wish I could scoop you into my pocket

And take you wherever I go

So that you will never leave me.

Reflecting

Have you ever loved something so much that it physically hurts you to think about leaving?

I can't remember how it feels not to live in Paris. I feel like I was in a different life living in Saskatoon- a different story. I can't remember how it feels to not devote yourself to three amazing children that I have had blessed into my life. I can't remember not knowing my friends here. I can't remember hearing english all around me.

I don't want to either.

How am I going to leave? That is the question I keep asking myself. It feels like a bad dream that the end is approaching so soon.

Please do not get me wrong.

I remember other things to-

Like my amazing family whom I left at home. My amazing friends whom I said goodbye to. Canada. Which I will always love and could not be more proud to be from. My little car.

The thing about this is I know that my old life is there waiting for me. Waiting for me to come back- and sure things will have changed a bit. But in reality- most of my friends and family will be the same. But this life...this life here ends. My best friends here will all have gone back home to reality to. My kids will grow up. Paris will be here yes, with open arms. Yet- the things I love most about this place will be gone. Its true when people say its not he location- its the people who are in that location.

I feel blessed. To belong to these two beautiful lives in Canada and in France. Please understand I am not complaining, I am reflecting. I am thinking with tear filled eyes and shaking my head no- no I am not ready to leave. World- You Can't Make Me.

Paris you have changed me. I will always have you. I will always carry you in my heart like E.E Cummings once said. Please do not forget me, know that what you have given me. Inspiration, love, hope, goals, acheivement, friendship, faith.

I can't decide if this is a beginning or an end. Maybe we can say it is infinity- like there is no beginning or end. Why does there have to be anyway? Why must we make beginnings and ends in the first place in life?

It's all the same life to live anyway.

Je T'aime

Sitting there, alone in a foreign country, far from my job and everyone I know, a feeling came over me. It was like remembering something I'd never know before or had always been waiting for, but I didnt know what. Maybe it was something I'd forgotten or something I've been missing all my life. All I can say is that I felt, at the same time, joy and sadness. But not to much sadness, because I felt alive. Yes, alive. That was the moment I fell in love with Paris. And I felt Paris fall in love with me.