Reflecting

Have you ever loved something so much that it physically hurts you to think about leaving?

I can't remember how it feels not to live in Paris. I feel like I was in a different life living in Saskatoon- a different story. I can't remember how it feels to not devote yourself to three amazing children that I have had blessed into my life. I can't remember not knowing my friends here. I can't remember hearing english all around me.

I don't want to either.

How am I going to leave? That is the question I keep asking myself. It feels like a bad dream that the end is approaching so soon.

Please do not get me wrong.

I remember other things to-

Like my amazing family whom I left at home. My amazing friends whom I said goodbye to. Canada. Which I will always love and could not be more proud to be from. My little car.

The thing about this is I know that my old life is there waiting for me. Waiting for me to come back- and sure things will have changed a bit. But in reality- most of my friends and family will be the same. But this life...this life here ends. My best friends here will all have gone back home to reality to. My kids will grow up. Paris will be here yes, with open arms. Yet- the things I love most about this place will be gone. Its true when people say its not he location- its the people who are in that location.

I feel blessed. To belong to these two beautiful lives in Canada and in France. Please understand I am not complaining, I am reflecting. I am thinking with tear filled eyes and shaking my head no- no I am not ready to leave. World- You Can't Make Me.

Paris you have changed me. I will always have you. I will always carry you in my heart like E.E Cummings once said. Please do not forget me, know that what you have given me. Inspiration, love, hope, goals, acheivement, friendship, faith.

I can't decide if this is a beginning or an end. Maybe we can say it is infinity- like there is no beginning or end. Why does there have to be anyway? Why must we make beginnings and ends in the first place in life?

It's all the same life to live anyway.