One Week...(and a half)...left.

On one hand- I am rejoicing of the thought I am almost free from being an au pair. No longer will I have to clean up everyday after six people, change dirty diapers, and occasionally become emotionally abused by the french. No longer will I have to travel in and out of this suburb. No longer will I constantly be on a time schedule. I can even eat meat again!

On the other hand- the final goodbye to three kids I love more than anything is coming now. I have been an emotional reck since October at the thought, and now it is here and I am not sure what will be the outcome.

In one week...(and a half)...I will be on a train to Amsterdam to spend four days in the magical city I hear so much about. I am travelling alone the entire trip which I have never done before, and have mixed feelings about doing so. Then again- I came to Paris alone and that turned out quite well I suppose....

From Amsterdam I am flying to Athens, GREECE. My number one destination I have wanted to visit since coming to Eurpope is finally coming true! From Athens I take a ferry to Ios where I am meeting a friend from Barcelona. From Ios I am travelling to Santorini to spend another few days. Finally I will take a ferry back to Athens and fly back to Paris to say my final farewell.

Europe has taught me so much about life. About myself, about other people. A new perspective on life. Paris is my home to me now. Paris is where I was meant to come to, Paris has always been there waiting for me. I can't explain how much I love this city. I honestly feel like when you come to Paris as a tourist- sure you experience all of the touristy places....eiffel tower, notre dame, louvre etc. But that is not what Paris is about really...

Paris is about getting lost.

Getting lost- and not letting a guide show you where something is or tell you why it is there. Getting lost in your thoughts, and mixing up your emotions. Walking down side streets and hearing the french language all around you. Paris is about the people, the little lady who I have come to know selling roses down the street. The violin player on my train. The man with the cat on boulevard haussman who never fails to wink. This is Paris to me. The memories, the experiences, the emotions, and the people.

You Leave Me With A Twirl In My Step

You leave me with a twirl in my step

Paris, Oh Paris

How can I ever forget you?

With your black and greys

Reds and blues

question marks

and your love for life

To me

You are just what I was looking for

And I wish I could scoop you into my pocket

And take you wherever I go

So that you will never leave me.

Reflecting

Have you ever loved something so much that it physically hurts you to think about leaving?

I can't remember how it feels not to live in Paris. I feel like I was in a different life living in Saskatoon- a different story. I can't remember how it feels to not devote yourself to three amazing children that I have had blessed into my life. I can't remember not knowing my friends here. I can't remember hearing english all around me.

I don't want to either.

How am I going to leave? That is the question I keep asking myself. It feels like a bad dream that the end is approaching so soon.

Please do not get me wrong.

I remember other things to-

Like my amazing family whom I left at home. My amazing friends whom I said goodbye to. Canada. Which I will always love and could not be more proud to be from. My little car.

The thing about this is I know that my old life is there waiting for me. Waiting for me to come back- and sure things will have changed a bit. But in reality- most of my friends and family will be the same. But this life...this life here ends. My best friends here will all have gone back home to reality to. My kids will grow up. Paris will be here yes, with open arms. Yet- the things I love most about this place will be gone. Its true when people say its not he location- its the people who are in that location.

I feel blessed. To belong to these two beautiful lives in Canada and in France. Please understand I am not complaining, I am reflecting. I am thinking with tear filled eyes and shaking my head no- no I am not ready to leave. World- You Can't Make Me.

Paris you have changed me. I will always have you. I will always carry you in my heart like E.E Cummings once said. Please do not forget me, know that what you have given me. Inspiration, love, hope, goals, acheivement, friendship, faith.

I can't decide if this is a beginning or an end. Maybe we can say it is infinity- like there is no beginning or end. Why does there have to be anyway? Why must we make beginnings and ends in the first place in life?

It's all the same life to live anyway.