Apres

Here I am. It happened.

I am here, in Canada. Wrapped up in my blankets lying in my bed with the sound of summer rain outside my window. I have been on this soil for a little over three weeks now and everything is starting to hit me.

The first week apres I arrived home- I had little emotion and wanted to see no one but my family. I talked about the weather- and avoided the conversation of my past year as much as possible. Little things such as taking my dog for a walk again interested me and I felt like I was being re-introduced into my old life.

The second week I started opening up. Phoning back my long lost friends and going on dates around the city while catching up with my favorite people in Saskatoon. I realized how much I had missed my friends here, and family. I explored the city once again, and found little. Yet I was content and feeling like my old self again.

This past week and a half as started to bring up the hard things. I feel confused as to how I should be around people. I can not say what I want to say when I want to say it. I miss my little ones. I can not stop thinking about Paris before falling asleep. I miss my friends there. I have panic attacks over silly things and can not shape my two worlds together. I was different over there- and the old Laura continues to try and slip back again and again. I see myself slowly making schedule after schedule to try and make me forget what is happening- to make myself busy and not have time to think.

Was it all a dream?

I feel like that. I feel nothing, and yet I feel everything. I feel like I do not belong anywhere anymore. I avoid deep conversations because I can not explain myself correctly.

Paris is a day away and yet it feels like I will never get it back. I can not be myself because I do not know who 'myself' is anymore.