Electronic Musique

Music.


I know I could not live without it.

Yes, cliche isn't it?

I know so many of us say this quote, and I personally get annoyed because I tend to hear to many repeating it. But...since being back (especially these last couple of months) where I have been struggling alot, it occured to me. Music,.. is the only thing that really makes me FEEL something when i seem to feel nothing at all. Music is more to me than wanting to dance or relate to the songs. Its more than a past time while sitting on the bus or driving in the car. Music lets me experience emotion; and let me remember who I really am and what I am searching for.
Its funny...while most people 'mellow' out by listening to easy listening music. You know- acoustic guitars, mushy or rather heartfelt lyrical balads, soothing whispering voice belting out his or her heart? Not me. Of course, I do love my Tom Pettys and Blind Pilots....but its electronic music that gets me.
I have loved electronic since i was little. When I was in diapers my mom would put me infront of the tv as 'ice ice baby' was playing and I would rock back and forth like no one has ever seen. At the age of five Madonna was my favorite artist.

Sure, you are thinking to yourself vanilla ice and madonna may not be 'electronic.' But I mean really...while most kids were listening to silly kids songs about fruits and vegetables i was in love with the electronic guitar and careful crafted beats of the 80's!
Throughout elementary school my family would find me listening to nothing but "DANCE MIX 95" which I still cant get enough of. This was when electronic music was becoming popular, and remixes were hitting the scene of muchmusic.
As I ventured throughout highschool I came to find some of my favorite electronic artists such as ratatat and crystal castles. Benny Benassi and Daft Punk were the 'popular' electronic artists which I fell right into like other electronic followers.
Living in Paris- I discovered a whole new genre and outlook on the ART of music. In Europe, the 'eurobeats' are everywhere. I discovered TRANCE and PROGRESSION music. European artists that no one had ever heard of back in Canada. I went to clubs and danced all night to nothing but a heavy bass and piano.
I see the art of creating an electronic song. How it can incorporate so many sounds at just the right timing. I can see progression, and attention. I can feel more emotion in a song without lyrics. I feel the emotion through the SOUNDS and how they play off of eachother. I create my own lyrics, like the song knows exactly what I am thinking or going through; and it becomes mine.

I search for hours on the internet looking for new artists and tunes that I had never heard before. It has become a past time of mine. If you have never given electronic music the time of day....try it out. You may experience something that other types of music can not provide. One thing I ask is to not think of this as 'techo' music. I think 'techno' has been given a bad vibe....yes we have all heard of 'sandstorm'.....brings me back to grade 8 dances where everyone has the chance to go crazy on the dance floor! But you know something....if 'sandstorm' can get a bunch of kids up and dancing and not caring about what other people think....that says something.

negative emotion

Coffee dates, loved ones, and the stress of university, do not cover this, although i pretend it does.

yes i am fague, because why expose everything when i can instead leave it up to your imagination.

i enjoy writing, personally or for the public. I have always loved writing since I was little. I used to make up stories before I knew how to write, and instead of using words I used pictures. People ask me why I blog and the reason is, maybe people can see a part of me they do not see when i am sitting smiling or laughing. You know, the outwards shell really says little. A person can be smiling and laughing all day long and feeling nothing but pain inside...

I miss Paris more than you all know. It is one of those things that is so deep- you almost feel no emotion at all. I think the thing I miss the most when i refer to 'Paris' is who I was in Paris...

I was full of life, happy, hopeful,..had faith. I saw the world through different eyes, as I do now (but my eyes have changed). I would describe myself presently, as the girl you see in the old films staring out a foggy train window as she is leaving her loved one. You know that image. She sees the hills rolling by but really only sees loss.

I attempted to write this blog entry on a happier note- but these are the words that are spilling out so I apologize on being full of negative emotion. Blogs are meant to be 'real' although i see so many people saying one thing..almost preaching...and then going out and doing the exact opposite the next day. You know, atleast im honest.

Apres

Here I am. It happened.

I am here, in Canada. Wrapped up in my blankets lying in my bed with the sound of summer rain outside my window. I have been on this soil for a little over three weeks now and everything is starting to hit me.

The first week apres I arrived home- I had little emotion and wanted to see no one but my family. I talked about the weather- and avoided the conversation of my past year as much as possible. Little things such as taking my dog for a walk again interested me and I felt like I was being re-introduced into my old life.

The second week I started opening up. Phoning back my long lost friends and going on dates around the city while catching up with my favorite people in Saskatoon. I realized how much I had missed my friends here, and family. I explored the city once again, and found little. Yet I was content and feeling like my old self again.

This past week and a half as started to bring up the hard things. I feel confused as to how I should be around people. I can not say what I want to say when I want to say it. I miss my little ones. I can not stop thinking about Paris before falling asleep. I miss my friends there. I have panic attacks over silly things and can not shape my two worlds together. I was different over there- and the old Laura continues to try and slip back again and again. I see myself slowly making schedule after schedule to try and make me forget what is happening- to make myself busy and not have time to think.

Was it all a dream?

I feel like that. I feel nothing, and yet I feel everything. I feel like I do not belong anywhere anymore. I avoid deep conversations because I can not explain myself correctly.

Paris is a day away and yet it feels like I will never get it back. I can not be myself because I do not know who 'myself' is anymore.

One Week...(and a half)...left.

On one hand- I am rejoicing of the thought I am almost free from being an au pair. No longer will I have to clean up everyday after six people, change dirty diapers, and occasionally become emotionally abused by the french. No longer will I have to travel in and out of this suburb. No longer will I constantly be on a time schedule. I can even eat meat again!

On the other hand- the final goodbye to three kids I love more than anything is coming now. I have been an emotional reck since October at the thought, and now it is here and I am not sure what will be the outcome.

In one week...(and a half)...I will be on a train to Amsterdam to spend four days in the magical city I hear so much about. I am travelling alone the entire trip which I have never done before, and have mixed feelings about doing so. Then again- I came to Paris alone and that turned out quite well I suppose....

From Amsterdam I am flying to Athens, GREECE. My number one destination I have wanted to visit since coming to Eurpope is finally coming true! From Athens I take a ferry to Ios where I am meeting a friend from Barcelona. From Ios I am travelling to Santorini to spend another few days. Finally I will take a ferry back to Athens and fly back to Paris to say my final farewell.

Europe has taught me so much about life. About myself, about other people. A new perspective on life. Paris is my home to me now. Paris is where I was meant to come to, Paris has always been there waiting for me. I can't explain how much I love this city. I honestly feel like when you come to Paris as a tourist- sure you experience all of the touristy places....eiffel tower, notre dame, louvre etc. But that is not what Paris is about really...

Paris is about getting lost.

Getting lost- and not letting a guide show you where something is or tell you why it is there. Getting lost in your thoughts, and mixing up your emotions. Walking down side streets and hearing the french language all around you. Paris is about the people, the little lady who I have come to know selling roses down the street. The violin player on my train. The man with the cat on boulevard haussman who never fails to wink. This is Paris to me. The memories, the experiences, the emotions, and the people.

You Leave Me With A Twirl In My Step

You leave me with a twirl in my step

Paris, Oh Paris

How can I ever forget you?

With your black and greys

Reds and blues

question marks

and your love for life

To me

You are just what I was looking for

And I wish I could scoop you into my pocket

And take you wherever I go

So that you will never leave me.

Reflecting

Have you ever loved something so much that it physically hurts you to think about leaving?

I can't remember how it feels not to live in Paris. I feel like I was in a different life living in Saskatoon- a different story. I can't remember how it feels to not devote yourself to three amazing children that I have had blessed into my life. I can't remember not knowing my friends here. I can't remember hearing english all around me.

I don't want to either.

How am I going to leave? That is the question I keep asking myself. It feels like a bad dream that the end is approaching so soon.

Please do not get me wrong.

I remember other things to-

Like my amazing family whom I left at home. My amazing friends whom I said goodbye to. Canada. Which I will always love and could not be more proud to be from. My little car.

The thing about this is I know that my old life is there waiting for me. Waiting for me to come back- and sure things will have changed a bit. But in reality- most of my friends and family will be the same. But this life...this life here ends. My best friends here will all have gone back home to reality to. My kids will grow up. Paris will be here yes, with open arms. Yet- the things I love most about this place will be gone. Its true when people say its not he location- its the people who are in that location.

I feel blessed. To belong to these two beautiful lives in Canada and in France. Please understand I am not complaining, I am reflecting. I am thinking with tear filled eyes and shaking my head no- no I am not ready to leave. World- You Can't Make Me.

Paris you have changed me. I will always have you. I will always carry you in my heart like E.E Cummings once said. Please do not forget me, know that what you have given me. Inspiration, love, hope, goals, acheivement, friendship, faith.

I can't decide if this is a beginning or an end. Maybe we can say it is infinity- like there is no beginning or end. Why does there have to be anyway? Why must we make beginnings and ends in the first place in life?

It's all the same life to live anyway.

Je T'aime

Sitting there, alone in a foreign country, far from my job and everyone I know, a feeling came over me. It was like remembering something I'd never know before or had always been waiting for, but I didnt know what. Maybe it was something I'd forgotten or something I've been missing all my life. All I can say is that I felt, at the same time, joy and sadness. But not to much sadness, because I felt alive. Yes, alive. That was the moment I fell in love with Paris. And I felt Paris fall in love with me.

MAY

My trip to the french riviera was a once in a lifetime type thing. I fell in love with train stations, I think they are so romantic. I hopped on my train in Paris across from two old french birds who gossiped about everyone on the train with slanty eyes. I got amusement out of this. I realized that the French countryside looks like Saskatchewan but with a twist. I could not beleive all of the canola fields here. I tried very hard to pretend I was back in Saskatchewan while driving past them- but the fact that I was on a train always through me off balance. I doubt any trains through Saskatchewan would have class seating if you know what I mean...

When we came to the Sea I was again amazed at how blue and grand it is. Stretches of blue and green- white sailboats and yachts in the backround. Luxury like I have never seen before. I found it easy to find our apartment from the train station. I received a little map from my french dad as to how to get there. I love walking with a suitcase in a strange city. It mean something is about to switch-and soon you will experience new things.

From Antibes, I visited Cannes the next day. I saw the red carpet for the film festival, handprints of celebrities, the carlton hotel, the old city, and spent the rest of the day at the beach. The next day I travelled to Nice which was not as easy as Cannes. Like a crazy person I got off the train at the wrong stop. I had to walk into Nice which took about two hours...guessing my way the entire time. A little old french lady found me rattled waiting for a bus (which was never coming) and offered to take me to the train station. She spoke not one single word of English, I would be surprised if she knew "hello." The conversation (and pace) was dreadful. Half the time I had no idea what she was saying so I would respond with a "oui, ahhh oui" and laugh alot. I probably laughed when she told me her cat just died or something... Nice is beautiful though and would like to go back with more time and perhaps a map...

I spent alot of time alone at the french riviera. It was nice but my mind really started to take me. I was very emotional there- for many different reasons. I thought about home alot, the people I miss. My time in Paris and the time I have left. What I go home to. So many things. Its funny when you have no one to talk to- how much you talk to yourself.

My Cousin came to visit me on thursday. I mett her at a train station. It was fun to be the one to wait for someone to get off a train to come and see you. I get so happy when I see someone from my 'old life' i guess you could say. Family especially! We had such a great time...laughing and not caring about money. I had never been so rich in Paris for two days with the help of our familys money. It was one of the best times I have had in Paris. Full of laughing and memories and love! Not to mention late date night with french waiters taking tequila shots after the restaurant closed on champs elysees.

I am at a point now in my time as an au pair when I can say I am very ready to be finished this job. Living with a family that you are not actually a part of is a very strange experience. Not be mention who you work for as well. I love my kids here, I actually love them. They are so so special to me and get emotional thinking about leaving them. I need more freedom. I need to feel like I can be myself in a home that I live in. I do not like perfection, and I always strive to be just that.

I look so forward to freedom in Europe. I have six weeks left as an au pair. It seems like forever. I think because I can start to see the finish line in a distance which makes me want to just reach out and grab it and be done. You Know?

A Bientot,

La.

TGIS

Bois Du Boulogne. My heart lies there in those woods. A forest that runs through Paris, filled with tall old trees and liesurely Parisians. The thing I like best about this place is how it is real. Paris is full of wonderful parks yes...however they are cut and trimmed and to perfect to actually be considered real. Bois Du Boulogne is tall grass and old flowers. Weeds and insects. Over flowing trees with long healthy branches who intertwine with one another.

You can see me there, having a picnic. Reading "Eat Pray Love," or my Paris 2010 tourist book. For those of you who do not know Paris. The 16th is the most prim and proper area in Paris. Filled with tall gorgeous white apartments and quiet streets. Women who do not try to hard- but still manage to look amazing. The 16th is my dream world.

Last Sunday I woke up early and fled to the 7th. The 7th is the Eiffel tower area. Quiet yet exciting. Rich and touristy and filled with space. I walked from Champs Elysees to my favorite street in Paris. This street is parallel to the Seine, across from the Eiffel tower with old trees towering over you like a canopy. I could not be happier walking in the sunshine on a sunday down this street. True Bliss! I picnic at the Champ de Mars before I have to race off to the Notre Dame to meet my friends for the best Fallafels in Paris in the Marais.

I have been experimenting with cooking, and planting a garden. Two things I am uncertain of and yet have always wanted to experiment with. I now know one of my favorite things in life is planting flowers. Sitting in the dirt with a sun cascading down on you as you dig into the Earth to plant something so beautiful! Flowers are another love of mine. I appreciate flowers much more since living in France. So many flower stands. Flowers are a daily pleasure to most Parisians. In Canada it seems you buy flowers for things such as Birthdays and Holidays. Here you buy flowers because..."why not?" They are cheap, beautiful, and a way of life.

As I write this- my head is bobbing up and down from sleep deprevasion. To tell the truth- I beleive I am writing this to help stay awake until my host parents arrive home! I can not fall asleep while I am babysitting incase Eva (my 2 year old) wakes up and I have to hold her hand until she falls back asleep. (Its true, the only way she falls asleep is by hand holding). I went out lastnight to a Cave and danced the night away to celebrate one of my good friends final night here in Paris before she heads back to Canada. Another goodbye. I will miss her.

Quick news is....my camera broke which was my second one purchased here in Europe. I am starting to get my july figured out and deciding all the places I wish to go to. I am once again a student at the University of Saskatchewan. I no longer hop Metros and have finally reloaded my Navigo card. Fact: I have yet to see ONE TRAIN POLICE MAN since reloading it. Funny...when i was illegal I saw on average one every week. My train is on strike so you can find me frantically running through the Metros trying to get home in time before they close. My french is improving and I am travelliong to Toulose next tuesday for a family vacation.

Here is to hoping they come home soon.

tgis.

far away in the sunshine are my highest inspirations.

I may not reach them,

but i can look up and see the beauty,

beleive in them

and try to follow

where they lead.

Nothings

It is starting to warm up (a bit)... Paris is looking fantastic these days. Nature is full of bright yellow trees and purple flowers. Buds and tulips. I purchased my first coffee frappucino last wednesday, and although it tasted like heaven- I do not remember them being so expensive.

I find myself in the Notre Dame area lately. Wandering with no purpose really. It is one of the farthest areas from my house and yet I continue to go. Montemarte is my lover I know now. I am meant to live there. Last saturday I met some friends on the Sacre Coure steps. It is the best view of Paris up there. Live music was playing behind us who belted out some of my favorite artists while the sun set behind Paris. Tracy Chapman, The Eagles, MGMT, and Red Hot Chili Peppers. After we said our goodbyes I visited my best friend- la tour eiffel. (On the way there I happened upon a puppet show in the metro which was quite entertaining!). I love reflecting at the eiffel tower. I sat there with my nutella crepe while reflecting and daydreaming. It then started to pour rain so I quickly (hopped) the metro and came home.

Dark chocolate is my sinful lover these days.

I never had a sweet tooth until I came to France.

I am writing a "must do list" tomorrow of things I "must do" before I leave this life here. Although it is only the first of April, I find myself constantly thinking of how it is ending soon when I still have three more months. I want to see and do everything!

My birthday was tres passionate et super! I had an Alice and Wonderland themed birthday, where of course- I played Alice. Me and my friends have a running joke of how I am "Alice" here in Paris. Always lost...and curious and full of thoughts! So. I decided to become Alice for a night and join the rest of the characters for a "tea party" at the mad hatters house. Later we went to dance, although before I could get to the discoteque I was late...late for a very important date, my own birthday. I got lost....with the queen of hearts and marche hair. We were lost in the rain with a tap dancer at our feet. We found our friends many..many steps later.

Tomorrow I am picking up my bike from the shop, and going for a long ride. Smoking shisha dans le nuit and sunday is Easter! I think Mass at Notre Dame is going to be a once in a lifetime opportunity. I can't wait! Along with a beautiful easter fondu at a friends place.

Bad news as of late is: Im sick with something terrible that will not leave me. My Computer caught a nasty virus and soon my protector expires so I will be unprotected. Although I renewed (and payed quite a large price) my subscription, I can't download it because my computer is a mess so I am out of luck. More books for me I presume! I am reading Pride and Prejudice now and I love it.

A Bientot.

La.

Spring Rain and Espresso

The smell of a spring rain is something you simply cannot describe.

My favorite smell. A smell of new beginnings and new growth, youthful and full of hope. Spring is here and so am I.

I sat outside my window tonight with a cup of espresso, enjoying life. The dim light of 19:30 and a fresh rain falling inches away from me. I sat and enjoyed life. I could smell life, taste it. My life was positive and I had nothing to complain about for that half hour with the rain. Pure joy and full of peace. I made it to Paris. I made it.

Dreams

It's not that I do not live you city, Paris. La vie d'amore. J'adore Vous. Je trouve ca belle, Paris.

Mais, But....cold dirty metros and dirty people who I want to help but do not know how- you bring me to reality. The watch on my wrist brings me to reality- the people I work for brings me to a reality I did not imagine before. Paris is not in reality, and it should not be in my reality. It's my dream and it came true. So who needs reality when you are supposed to be living in a dream?

My body is not mine, ici. It's full of sugar and lies. Full of fatigue and lack of knowing. It is full of new emotions and new memories, new loves, and new hates. I am not the same person here, and I ask myself if I will ever be the person I thought I knew before. I ask myself, are we ever the same person as time passes...

I had a conversation with an old painter by the name of Theodore up in Montemarte today. He wanted to paint out picture, we declined, and instead had a conversation in an outdoor cafe to keep him company. He was from Transelvania.

"But i do not drink blood, i drink wine. Therefor I have to pay for it."

He stands for ten hours on the street a day with no liscence to paint. He is 65 and lives in hotel alone. He is lucky if he gets two drawings done a day for 20 euros a peice. I ask him "are you happy with your life" and he says "why should I be, I came to Paris because it was my dream and now im stuck in this life living broke in a hotel alone." This got me thinking. About dreams. Are dreams worth it, and what do you do once you are living that dream?

Ireland And Barcelona

Happy 6th Month Anniversary of arriving to this strange city- aujord'hui!

I'm sorry that I do not write more. I am. So i hope this is ok. I never get enough words out on this blog- i have so much going on in my head, and so much i want to say it just never comes out right. So i tend to dumb things down into short sentences so you do not end up readIing a novel (which normally happens when i write anyway).

February was a crazy month.

The family I live with left to the Olympics so I had the house to myself for a week. Those days consisted of cooking, and living freely. I took a tour of Montmarte alone one day, watched a painter paint a young girl. It was amazing to actually have the time to stand there behind the artist, and watch her portrait be painted. I never have time like that here. I soaked up everything that day. I ended with Sacre Cour. Overlooking Paris- such an amazing view up there. It is a great place to reflect on life and a good place to dream.

The Merais became my best friend during that week. Getting lost in tiny streets with my ipod blasting my favorite music. No watch on my wrist.

I left for Ireland on a friday morning- 5AM. A lone walk down my long hill. Birds chirping! Waiting for the first train in the cold to take me to the bus station.

The best part about Ireland was the bus from Dublin to Cork. The first thing I did when I arrived. How amazing it was to drive through the green hills and fields. Such a breath of fresh air from Paris. I honestly forgot what it was like to see the sky meet land. Along the way we stopped in tiny villages and I experienced the 'real Ireland' up close. It helped I had the 'PS I love you' soundtrack on my Ipod (haha) i guess im a hopeless romantic.

Ireland was amazing. So nice to see my good friend Robyn from Saskatoon. I stayed and partied with Medical Students that week. Attended my first chili-cook-off! Kissed the Blarney stone, and made a wish. Walked up and down the witches steps and made another wish. Sat ontop a hill in Cork overlooking the city in the sun. Drank Guiness at 'sober lane' and danced to the macareena in the middle of the pub. Walked to a Lake.Took a train to COBH and pretended jack from Titanic was there awaiting me. (It was the last place the Titanic stopped at). Ate the most amazing fish and chips I have ever had by the Ocean...danced it off at a club later that night! Drank more Guiness.

It really was a fantastic trip. Full of Nature, and good fun. A word I would use to describe Ireland would be "magical."

After travelling for 12 hours that day back to Paris...it ended with a face-to-face encounter with the 'train police' and me screaming "i hate paris" to them. Lets say i was not ready to come back....i really hate the train police here though.

I slept the next day away seeing as how I did not get much in Ireland. Later that day my friend Kate came over to spend the night, seeing as we were leaving for another fabulous 5AM departure the next morning to Barcelona, Spain with four other girls!

Barcelona was out of control....adventure after adventure and memory after memory. It felt like heaven being able to walk around in a dress and sun glasses. The sun was so hot getting off the plane. The view was outstanding. Mountains setting the scene with a blue sky and the Meditteranean Sea in the backround! Hot air. We went for Tapa's as soon as we arrived. We checked in to our amazing hostel and had a little Siesta. Ate dinner, and walked to the beach. Barcelona was full of adventures. Walking tours, markets, fresh juices, la rambla street full of surprises, new beaches, long walks, long nights, new people, live music and new experiences! We would not go out until 1:45AM, which is usually when im coming in. We became regulars at the absenth bar down the street from our hostel which was always full of new encounters with crazy spanish, american, and italian people! Experiencing Gaudi's architecture in person was breath-taking and very inspiring. During a walking tour we took part it, we won these free cars to take around the city for a few hours....on the last day in Barcelona we decided to take the plunge, and drive!

It felt so weird driving again....the cars we had drove like motorcycles so everything was done with your hands. Me and Alex (an australian girl we met) shared a car. The beginning was basically us screaming at the top of our lungs the entire time. They were mini- convertables basically so if i was to make a mistake...chances of us dieing were quite high!

The cars went up to 70 mph. Sharing a main street with buses and motorcycles scared the shit out of me! In the end- we got lost driving around. Alex took the wheel and drove on the opposite side of the street due to her being Australian. We felt like celebrities. Everyone thought we looked amazing in our little yellow cars!

We met two european men one rainy morning ontop the terrace of our hostel. They decided to put on a little show for us with their flutes and base. We shared this experience with a man named "jesus" who lived in "heaven," which we all quite liked.

Our room was great apart from an irish man who happened to sleep next to me. He would start off the day taking shots at 10Am and would be plastered from morning to morning basically. He snored like no other person, and smelt like hell. I loved him. Highlite of the trip forsure, my favorite was how no one could understand a word he said.

We didnt sleep the last night. Went out to "Razzmatazz" which is the biggest club in Barcelona. Danced the night away on a platform and left around 5AM. Me and Alex could not find the exit to the night ended with us putting up the biggest fuss to the security guard who finally was so sick of us let us enter through the 'red rope' entrance to leave. On the way out the scariest spanish men tried to grab us and we flung ourselves into the first cab we saw, meanwhile screaming at the top of our lungs all the way down the street with no shoes on! We somehow ended up in a hallway with a bunch of people from around the world at our hostel and waited for the rest of the girls to come home so we could catch our 8Am flight.

Now im back in Paris and everything is back to normal. My friends are throwing me an "Alice and Wonderland" themed birthday next saturday. I'm Alice! And it is going to be wonderful. I was supposed to be coming back to Canada on March 26th, but im not ready, and neither is Canada.

I hope your all well, and I have plenty of stories to tell in more detail so feel free to ask me. I miss you all and Love you all.

Amsterdam here I come.

February 12th 2010

In a pink room, filled with family pictures, and tacky decorations I lye. The air outside is a wet cold, and does not smell like winter. The snow is uninviting, unlike Canada, and lacks to set a warm winter scene.

Here I lye with coffee breath, and open ears waiting to hear the front door open. I have become consumed with status's, pictures, messages, and gossip. What I need are books, good books. Hot weather, and new music.

I am free from this room in two days, although that seems like a long time from now. My body sleeps throughout the night, although everyday I feel tired. I blame it on malnutrition but I know the truth. My emotions run wild here.

Oh how sick I am of public transportation! Dirty metros, dirty people, and dirty minds. I would rather stay in this pink tacky room under my pink tacky stripped blanket all day, and never feel violated, cold, or tired. The problem with this is there is an owl upstairs who does not approve. This is her nest, and I do not own this pink room.

So. I will face the cold, dirty air. With dirty people and their dirty minds. I will walk down the hill, and back up in my swade grey boots and heavy bag, with the same old songs in my head, and think the same old thoughts from my heart.

I did not come from this. And as much as I convince myself I do, I continue to show myself that I belong back home in the long run. Where the air is clean, and people smile.

But don't confuse this with home-sickness or hate. I embrace this room, these people, and this tacky blanket. This is where I should be. I live in the present.

I have grown into a butterfly as opposed to a moth.

So bring on spring, where new beginnings take place and dreams are born. Another candle is added onto my cake, and hope winks. She shows her face through mother nature. This is my life, and I will take what I will from this old man we call Winter.

time is an illusion which makes us pant.

I have never experienced time like this before. It is so slow, and so fast. It does not make sence. I feel as though each day ticks by to a slow drum and yet the weeks go by as if they did not exist. Soon, it is my five month anniversary of living in France. I feel like I left Canada so long ago, and have lived here forever. Although I know it will feel as though I never left when I arrive home.

"Time is an illusion which makes us pant"

-yann martel

Lately I feel like my life is shifting here. I am somehow...changing. Something is different. I went through a long period of feeling uncomfortable, and bored almost...like things were going to stay the same. I was going to feel the same feelings. But now things are shifting- for the better I can feel it. I am starting to make changes in my new life. I have been meeting such amazing new people since Christmas. People I click with immediately- and feel as though they were put in my life for a reason. It makes me so excited! Everyone is so unique, genuine, and down to earth. Searching for something....like most of us who end up in Paris.

My mornings consist of 7am wake up calls to hot showers and quiet breakfasts. Starbucks and Francais. Cold. Metros. Music never leaves me. The smell of bakerys, and daydreaming. Myself and my kids are best friends. I love them so much. Eva, my little 1 year old girl has become my love here in Paris! We spend most of our afternoons together talking about snakes and singing. I cant even imagine leaving these kids- I have become so attached to them. They really are amazing kids. So I try and not think about it (even though it comes up in my heart almost everyday). Weekends are beautiful. Slow mornings, Hillsong Sundays. Long Walks. Friends. Getting lost and not caring. Wine. Wine. Wine. More Daydreaming.

French rules over me. I think about it constantly, and study constantly. I get so discouraged but no longer pout about it because I know I am trying my best. I can speak french- although most is improper or pronounced incorrectly, but I know that will take time. The french speak to quickly...et moi famille est ne bien pas avec moi! oh, oh lala. I dropped the rest of my term at my french school for many reasons, and am hoping to pick it back up in April. It saves me 200 dollars however, and I am indeed running out of money. I have decided not to re-load my navigo card due to the fact I am only in Paris for two weeks this month. So...you can catch me hoping fences, and sneaking through gates with other parisians this month to get somewhere. Oh what a life I lead! So far- so good. Call me a rebel.

My diet is wearing me away to nothing- from the inside. Bread. Fruit. Vegetables. More Bread. pasta. more bread. eggs....bread. vegetarians....who needs them. I catch myself staring at the golden arches here in Paris, longing for a burger. Poor Body, I am truly sorry.

Ireland and Barcelona are staring me in the face- along with an amazing week alone in Paris. Watch out City, I have many plans for you! I long for spring however,....dresses. Sandals. Canal afternoons and picnics in the park. I could not be more happy that I am staying longer than expected. To much to do and see...to find out. Never will I feel satisfied- I long to stay over the summer...perhaps next year. But thats a secret- and tomorrow is never clear. I could be sobbing on the street wishing for Canada. Days change emotions, -hours, minutes. seconds.

I have to much to say -but not the time nor words to express my present self. I try and keep you updated but catch myself writing about what im thinking- or daydreaming about. I have so much to tell you! More than this little post...so much more. Everyday is such an adventure with another story to tell, and I take that all for granted.

Life is so short. Dont get stuck in a pattern or routine. Step out of your comfort zone and find life, live it to its full potential! Oh, no regrets either.

For it's written.

Laura Langen

you know those days...

you know those days...

ya you know them.

when everything goes wrong? when you feel like an idiot? like the "world" is out to get you? Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong?

well,

today is not one of those days.

(yesterday was)

Today. Things are swell. I suspected (which is never healthy) that today would be "one of those days..."

I love Paris today. Our love/hate relationship is leaning to the left. Nothing is better than starting your day off walking down grande boulevards with a coffee in hand, french books over shoulder, with a perfect pink sunrise behind you.

"Canadian" park-walks with a great friend, a stop at st michel for an afternoon espresso overlooking the seine...a kiss on both cheeks from my two year old when i came through the door.

Who said breaking mirrors is bad luck? I broke mine yesterday, and convinced myself I was done with.

Tomorrow is written, although I am not the author. It could bring me more tears, but for now I will embrace today.

I now end the day with vanilla candles, and a cup of vanilla tea.

I re kindled my love with E.E Cummings lastnight. I leave you with my favorite poem of his.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear, and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

No world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; Which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

It Is You.

I came to hear you, and what you have to say.

and i continue to shut my ears.

continue to substitute the world.

that you carry.

This world has control on most

I ran away to find your control.

and yet my path sits on earth.

your shoulders.

There is a fine line between what is you

what is theirs.

who-I-am, and what I belong to.

I could run forever here-

and although I become tired and weary,

It is you who continues to carry me.

A Fresh Start.

I never thought it was possible to experience so much in under four months...

The UK was a whirlwind, to say the least. Someone on this universe did not want me going. A ticket change, a major breakdown, 300 dollars, an unexistant wake up call from my alarm clock...racing down the cold street at 530AM on Christmas Eve.

You could spot me in a panic running down the street. Cursing Santa Claus. Barefoot. (Wrong Shoes).

I made it to charles de gaulle for the second time, barely.

My flight was delayed and a lonely boy found me and decided I was his new best friend.

Politics was his subject of choice...

screaming at me "are you proud of your country?" infront of the entire airplane...

analyzing his poetry that he suddenly brought to my attention which consisted of poems about black cats, boots, and what do you know...politics.

I ran away from him at Luton to the tune of "have yourself a merry christmas."

The english countryside is like a fairytale. My Christmas was a fairytale after the nightmare before christmas...no joke intended.

Who knew I would be spending it in a beautiful white home in the middle of a beautiful festive town with some of my best friends in Europe?

The holiday consisted of constant laughter due to the lovely grand parents who stayed along with us. I will quote them until I die!

London was beautiful, and rushed.

I barely had time to breathe and take in what it had to offer. I guess that is an excuse to go back...

I have had the house to myself in Paris since I came home. This is the first time in my entire life...that I have been alone for so long. I know what you are thinking...

It has been a cool experience living alone. Cooking for only yourself...going to sleep in a big empty house.

New Years was another story.

Champs was beautiful and a once in a lifetime experience (filled with creeps)....

Dancing to "show me your love" at a house party on a big red carpet with parisiens was the most fun I have had in awhile...it turned out to be a great way to ring in 2010.

Tomorrow the family comes home. I wake up to them most likely...and reality sets back in. (Sort Of)....I feel like I am never in reality here. More like a constant dream.

I feel like I feel my old self slipping away more these days- something in me is changing but I cant figure out what.

Coming back to Canada scares the hell out of me sometimes. I am scared people wont recognize me or something. I feel like I wont know myself.

I ache for the prairies sometimes however...for that peace.

Resolutions start on Monday and I tend to keep them this year.

I can now look forward to February when I run off to Amsterdam and Ireland...

Until then, stay warm.

Drink massive amounts of tea.

Day Dream- make those dreams reality...

and keep the peace!

Forever,

A hippy at heart.

christmas

So I guess if you are reading this you are curious as to what I have been up to...
It has been quite a while since I published anything.

I can say so much it is so hard as to where to begin. Things happen everyday that I could easily write a small novel about. This nutshell I am trying to provide, at times, is hard to shrink.

I met my mom and dad in Germany a little over two weeks ago. I barely made it there which is another story. To shrink it...it consisted of me literally running through the metros...jumping onto the RER as the doors slammed shut...not knowing which charles de gaulle stop to get off on...sneaking through the metro doors without paying for my ticket....and finally- making it with ten minutes to spare. Beautiful.
I received a lovely gift of food poisoning a week before my flight which is an entirely different story...but once I was on the plane I began to feel that poison sneaking in my stomach. The flight was a nightmare of pain and it did not help that I was sitting beside a 500 pound man who took up half of my seat.
Once I arrived in Munich I had to find my way into the city somehow. I miraculously was saved by a cute german couple who had just come home from hiking in the islands...they purchased the correct ticket and I followed them to the correct shuttle.
I found my dad at this beautiful rink lit up with christmas lights. It was so special to see my mom and dad.
In Germany- we did a massive walking tour of munich with this amazing tour guide who was one of the funniest people I have met in Europe. It was over three hours of walking but it felt like one. There was so much amazing information it was hard to not be overwhelmed. Germany has SUCH amazing history- and they carry it so well.
The following day we took a train to the "sleeping beauty" castle (neuschwanstein castle). The german countryside is breathtaking and the mountains are excuisite!
Thats one thing..I love travelling by train. Something about it....so,..special. Romantic and peaceful...
We took a horse carriage up the mountain to the castle. It was a fairytale except for the fact that horses are a fear of mine.
We ate bratwurst on the cliff.
We toured the castle with a very strict tour guide who allowed no pictures. We toured with the most typical american man who in quote stated
"i need a red bull..there has got to be a 7/11 around here somewhere..." over and over.

My favorite part about Germany was the feel of it. The personality I guess...Paris has such a dreary and posh persona about it at times. Germany was happy, welcoming you with open arms even if you did not speak the language.
I drank beer in the sun.
I ate the best breakfasts.
I walked up and down marian platz street over and over...feeling as though I was in a dream with all of the amazing christmas lights, people, and history around me.
(I ate a liver ball)

I laughed with my mom and dad about everything.
I could be myself.

Last friday we returned to Paris and I spent four days with them here and became a tour guide.
I don't think I have ever felt so lost in my life the day they left. I was so overwhelmed with emotion and I did not know where to go, do, who I was. Who I am becoming...since I arrived in Paris I have never been to homesick...I think it just all hit me at once when people from my old life suddenly came into my new life.

Everything is back to normal now. It has been a week now since the worst day of my life...and it was a good week.
Christmas is here. It is everywhere. Paris is amazing at christmas. You have to see it to beleive it.
London calling in 18 days.
I wish for snow now.
No more rain.

I am going to go and search the biggest flea market in europe now...beautiful.
I miss you all.....so much. And if I do not write again before Christmas- MERRY CHRISTMAS! and a happy new year.
I'll see you in 2010.
Kiss on both cheeks.

Canadian Girl In Paris.